A December update- turning a corner

Hello! I can hardly believe it is already December 8th. The last 8 weeks have definitely been the longest of Jonathan and I's lives!

Up until 4 or 5 days ago, I'd describe the primary feeling to be that of anguish. Pain. Sleeplessness.

The other week, I was contemplating this anguish — and I finally found the energy to write. Journaling is the main way I have processed my thoughts since I was 13; scribbling on about everything from middle school crushes to wanting the desire to desire God. (Two themes of middle school for me.) 

As I wrote, I noticed that it had been 40 days since my surgery, and all of a sudden I became insatiably curious about Jesus spending 40 days in the wilderness before being tempted by Satan.

For those who might not be familiar with this biblical story, right after Jesus was baptized, he was driven by the Spirit to the wilderness to be tested by the Devil. In that time he also fasted. The recounting in Matthew 4 also notes that "He was hungry." (In case we forget that he is human.)

I have heard this story so many times before. I've noticed that the Spirit drove him to the wilderness. I've noticed the fasting. I've noticed the 3 interactions between Jesus and Satan. 

What I had never thought about until a few nights ago — my 40th day — is this:

“Oh my goodness. Where was his MIND after 40 days? Where was his BODY? How did He do it? Was He thinking of me in it? Empathizing with the dark hole I have been living in? How did this affect the rest of his life? Fear? Anger? Resilience? How did his body hold this afterwards? What was it like when it was done? — Another instance of angels ministering to Him."

Very honestly, as a kid hearing this story, I have always thought — “this is so weird, why did Jesus have this 40 day wilderness experience?”

And yet, in this moment, I feel so empathized with. It is Christ who went before us. The God of the universe went before us. That we serve a God who knows our frame. My frame. Our weakness and suffering – my weakness and suffering.

The Spirit of God was with the Israelites the 40 years they were in the wilderness, and God himself had his own dark nights of the soul. I am so grateful that He has also been with me over the last 40+ days. 

I write all of this, as I am crawling out of this hole. I AM getting better. And I WILL continue getting better. In fact the last 4 days have felt really hopeful. Better sleep. Reaping rewards from from PT exercises, as my mantra has been "tight muscles are often weak muscles."

(And to those of you who know me well -- I looked up a youtube video on things you need to be able to do to attempt running. 30 one legged squats on each side is one of them. LOL. I can do 2. But it is the HOPE that makes me keep going. I'll run again one day!!)

Despite the suffering, we have great hope and are seeing God’s kindness and grace all around, and we are learning to press on in patience.

Here are ways we still covet your prayers: (thank you to so many who are praying constantly!!)

PRAISE

• This week, I drove myself to the grocery store and PT. This was huge, as a lot of my pain currently is wrapped up in feeling anxious in my own body, unsafe in public places, as I don't have an escape of a heating pad or place to lie down. Praise God!!

• Similarly, was able to go to church last Sunday and today!  Praise God again!!

• I am able to help with some more 'normal things' around the house, and this gives Jonathan a break – we are thankful!

• My sleep is improving!

• For Thanksgiving, we were able to spend 5 days at Jonathan's parents, and they have been so kind and supportive in this season. They live in the mountains, and it was good for our souls! 

• And for Jonathan ... The Dawgs won last night. ; )

PRAYER

• Endurance for Jonathan and me as we continue this journey. This can be a very lonely path. I hesitate to even say that because we are surrounded by so many people who care, and who have come alongside us. But Jonathan particularly is caring so much. Full days of work, regularly articulating how we are doing (Such a kind thing for people to ask but also exhausting! Both are true),and coming home to care for the family again. Please pray that we will be revitalized to keep going, getting rest along the way.

• Prayer for my nervous system to calm down!!! One reason I think my pain is so prolonged is due to the trauma of the original surgery on my body, and now I am having to train my body to feel safe again.

• Prayer for wisdom  for Jonathan and me of HOW to rest. To know when a TV show is a good thing, and when sitting with God, or with others what is needed. We are thankful that God provides rest in many ways.

• Prayer for my hip flexors and glutes and back! (o my) . Y’all my whole left leg aches so much. I know that's weird for an abdominal surgery, but that is one of the places i am storing my tension and fear, plus as I am slowly rebuilding my abdominal muscles, I have overcompensated here. 

• Lastly -- Vaccine Update -- While this is a Phase II Trial, I've been told that mine is more like Phase I , because I will be the first Appendiceal Cancer Patient they've made a vaccine for. They sent it out for production last week, so please pray for all the pathologists and scientists working on it!  There is a chance I could receive my first dose 12/12! — If not, Lord willing it will be sometime in December!  And please pray that it would work! I am weary of the cancer journey, and long for it to be fully in the past. Lord, have mercy. What a gift it would be to tell future generations about how God has sustained our lives and marriage in part through this life-saving vaccine that HE has provided.

Thank you all for your continued support and care for our family. Even the comments you post, or texts afterwards to Jonathan and me mean so much.  As someone who needs it, please do not discount the encouragement you can give to those around you. Our words are a gift.

Kelly and Jonathan